dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
