Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
