Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
