seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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