I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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