I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
