My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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