I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
