on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You are a genius and a whore.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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