if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
