I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
