well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
