You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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