We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
