this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Semen is not good for contacts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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