my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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