You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
