It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Randomize
