The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
