I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The struggles of a small town man whore
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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