I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
