I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
did you just send me my own nude
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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