just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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