I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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