Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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