Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
