I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
