So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
