Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
