one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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