onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize