She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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