When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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