My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
