Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
