I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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