the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize