I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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