Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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