The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
