I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
