I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
