dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
