Where did you get a picture of my penis
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
