i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
