Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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