I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
