never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have tasted many bathrooms
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
