Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
