Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
