so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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