areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
