I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
