Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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