I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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