I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I did not marry a roomba.
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