how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
whose ass print is on the piano?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
