sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
