It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
